In the pressures of everyday life, we can often forget that we are human creatures in need of self-care. Self care includes planning and eating nutritious meals, getting regular exercise, budgeting our income, sleeping regular hours, enjoying good friends, having time for silence and solitude as well as worship and prayer. Since this seems obvious, why does self-care need our attention?

Some of those who come to me for spiritual direction, are giving so much attention to others’ needs, they have become depressed and anxious. When I ask them what they need, they often can’t express it. This is especially true if the person has come from an alcoholic or abusive family background.

Since the solution is to focus on our legitimate needs, and limit some of our giving in order to balance our lives, many Christian men and women feel they would be selfish to do so. Of course there are times when we may choose to consciously sacrifice our time and energy to help others, such as tending a dying relative, or accepting a call of God to help the poor. This can be heroic. The problem occurs when we are always outward focused on others, unaware of the basic needs we have, and unconsciously giving more than even God would ask of us.

Here are some feelings you might have if your self-care is a little short of supply: angry, anxious, frustrated, helpless, jealous, lonely, overwhelmed. There are basic needs at the roots of these feelings. Discovering what needs are not being met and taking responsibility to meet them ourselves through self-care lead to feeling: appreciative, calm, helpful, hopeful, energetic, loving, secure.

Sometimes I give directees a list of basic human needs we all share. This helps them to see where they may need to focus some self-care. These needs include: (1) the need to choose our own plan for fulfilling our dreams, goals and values; (2) the need to celebrate both joys and sorrows; (3) the need to express our deepest and truest self and to find meaning in all of life; (4) the need to be related to others in a positive way so as to receive acceptance, appreciation, love, respect and support; (5) the need to physical nurturing, including clean air, food, shelter and a safe, loving and moral outlet for sexual expression; (6) the need to play, to do nothing at all, to be creative without having to produce a product; and, (7) the need to have spiritual communion, to find inspiration in a God-relationship, to live with order and at peace, to be present to beauty and to live in harmony in community.

A spiritual director can help you sort through what is happening in your life so that you can find that healthy, God-desired balance between the kind of self-focus which leads to self-indulgence and the kind of self-focus which leads to transformation and conversion. A spiritual director does not tell you what you must do, but rather listens to you and to God’s Spirit in you and together you discern how God may be leading you. If I can help you locate a spiritual director, feel free to call me at (775) 560-3030. Helps for the spiritual journey can be found on the website: sacred-quest.com. This website also gives links to some good websites for prayer, living the spiritual life, and humor in life.

Nancy Pfaff, MA, is a spiritual director, educated at Creighton University, a Jesuit school.  She is certified in spiritual direction, giving retreats, and giving the spiritual exercises.  She resides in Reno, Nevada.